two people living the same life

How can the same person go living two completely different lives within the span of a few months?

I woke up this morning like it was any other, to my phone alarm. But today, I had nowhere to be. My last day at the kitchen was Tuesday, and now I'm back at University. I check Google calendar. MANU 480 - 10 AM. I can probably skip it, it’ll only be an intro class anyways right?

It was a familiar thought. Too familiar. Dozens of times, I would argue in my head for a little bit and rationalize a reason to go back to sleep. I can’t live like this again. I had to catch myself. I had to get to class. I opened my curtains and stood up.

Before I knew it, I was already on my way to class! I was very surprised - when I woke up I was almost convinced that I would go back to my habits of old. It was really hard to wake up, but the rest was surprisingly easy. Something else is inside me now. Something that gets me effortlessly from bed to bus.

The sun is setting. You wake up. You launch the game. Find match. You play 1 game, and immediately queue for another. In the few minutes it takes to find a game, you check your classes and assignments. You see a deadline tonight, but it's at 12am - plenty of time left. The next game. Immediately queue. The deadline is now approaching, so you close the game. Just before starting the assignment, you open Youtube to check whats new. Suddenly the deadline is a few hours away. One last video, its an easy assignment anyways - you rationalize. The deadline is one hour away. Finally, you open the assignment page only to realise you don't have one of the prerequisites. Frantically, you message all your friends, while setting up as much front-end work as you can. You get a reply, finish the assignment. Pat yourself on the back. As a reward, you take a trip to the garden - the skies. Finish yesterday's pizza. Lets get ahead on tomorrow's assignment, you don't want a repeat of the disaster that today was. But you check YouTube one more time. The sun is setting.

You wake up. Shower. Bus. You're at work 5 minutes early, so you get in some push-ups. Done with the days work, you head back home. You walk as much as you can - no earphones, no screen. You finish your 150 pushups per day. The only things you have eaten today are chicken, greens, fruits and nuts. You get on the meeting, and follow it up with 3 hours of focussed work. You read a little before heading to bed. 20 minutes spent on Instagram. 30 minutes spent on Youtube. You meet your friends on the weekend. You keep your room clean. You shower everyday.

Its almost impossible to not feel like the second lifestyle is superior. Better health- physical, financial, social and mental. Higher productivity. But I have lived the second life for way longer than I have lived the first, and there must be a reason for it. To my brain, the second life has characteristics that far outweigh the benefits of the first.

It's easy to say that I like the activities of the first more. That the things I did were more fun. But I don't think that's true. There's many things I liked - FSAE, boxing, and yet I stop doing them in favour of playing the game. We must also acknowledge how video games are known to exploit the “weaknesses” of the human brain to make us enjoy them more than we healthily should. I don't think it's an enjoyment problem.

We can evaluate the goals that each life aims to achieve. The firsts goal is competition. To be better than everyone else, in the purest way possible. To look beyond all human characteristics except intellect and prove your worth. To lift the trophy amidst confetti and fireworks, and the roaring crowd. The seconds goal would be to create a well-rounded life. A life capable of dealing with hardship, and a life that creates enjoyment. It becomes clearer why I chose the first life. I prefer the first goal because of its merit-based unbiasedness, and because competition resonates with my soul. There is a certain romance to the pursuit of competition at any expense.

A few months ago, however, I realised the third and biggest reason I chose the first life. Comfort. I did the same thing all day, and "sacrificed" anything that seemed uncomfortable.

Comfort is a warm feeling. When you have a final exam coming up, theres a resurfacing thought in your head. Imagine you didn't have to write this final, life would feel so good, so comfortable. It has a very strong draw, you could never choose against comfort. When you have to do difficult things, the things you absolutely must do, comfort wraps its vines around your heart. Vines that can control your entire life.

It's only when you consciously make the uncomfortable choice for weeks, that it becomes somewhat conquerable. The first step itself is almost impossibly difficult for someone like me - born with a silver spoon in the mouth. But thankfully, I was forced to do it. The feeling of comfort never goes away or reduces in intensity, but it becomes more and more tolerable to the point that one day you will be surprised at the things you are capable of doing. Socially, Physically, and Financially.

The Kitchen showed me that life, and I am convinced that I can do anything. Comfort is my enemy.

I’m at a crossroads. I need to choose which life I want to live. It must be competitive. It must be merit-pure. The bus guy inside of me must live on.

Its like Fight Club. Strapped to a chair, peering over the night sky, skyscraper roofs. Three minutes. This is it. The Beginning. Ground Zero.